


Only Then I'll be Human; Only Then I am Clean

by AuthorXXX



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Angst, Depression, I am here to make you suffer, I had more ideas but they were making me too sad so I didn't add them, I'm Sorry, I'm projecting a little, I'm too lazy honestly lmao, In a way, Make your own ending I don't want to add one myself, Other, Unrequited Love, i guess this is, oh god the angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-01
Updated: 2019-12-01
Packaged: 2021-02-18 00:27:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21518920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AuthorXXX/pseuds/AuthorXXX
Summary: Crowley is painfully in love with Aziraphale and has absolutely no idea how to copeI am bad at writing pardon my incoherent writing style :(
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens)
Kudos: 14





	Only Then I'll be Human; Only Then I am Clean

It's a funny thing: love. He's never quite understood it. It just... Wasn't his thing. Demon, he supposed. Demons weren't supposed to understand love. But he thinks this is love.

He's not sure what to do with it now that he knows it. Now that he has it.

When their fingers brush he has to pull away. It's not that he's scared of the touch. He craves the contact, it's just that he can't handle it. If they touch he'd have to go home and cry.

He's thought about living with Aziraphale countless times. _You can stay at my place_. He meant it. He meant it forever. He knows Aziraphale loves his books and his shop- he'd never take them away from him but he wants a home. It's something primal in him that wants to start a family and settle down. It wants to wake up next to somebody and kiss for no reason and go on long walks and have conversations about dumb things.

He'll never have that, will he?

Sometimes he sits alone after they talk. He goes to his flat and sits on his office table, cross legged. He just looks at the ceiling.

It's lonely there, in his flat.

He listens to music, it all sounds sad when he's like this. So he goes to bed.

He lays in bed on his side. It feels so cold. Then he cries. He can't control it sometimes. After they'd touched for a little too long, after Aziraphale's hands linger for a little too long. He wants more but he doesn't know if Aziraphale does. He'd never do it if Aziraphale didn't.

He's not pretty when he cries. He sobs and shakes and heaves heavily. He wipes his face when he thinks it's over but it never is. He flips back down and screams into his pillow. It's too much.

When they go out for lunch he acts like everything is fine. He can't show anything is wrong less the angel notice.

"I think I'll take you up on that offer." Aziraphale says one time. He'd finished eating, they were walking out to the car. Crowley bought him his favorite dessert. It was what he deserved.

The sun was only just going down. It painted the streets a pinkish purple and shone off the black paint on the Bentley.

"Huh?" Crowley tilted his head. He opens the car door. "What offer is that?"

He knew, of course, but was double checking. He didn't want to get it wrong. He couldn't bare to assume.

"You said I could stay at yours, dear boy?"

The demon swallows hard. He always liked that pet name but... It's a pet name. It reminds him of what their relationship isn't.

"Of course, angel," _anything you want_. He'd do it all. He would do anything for Aziraphale. _Just ask, angel, I'll do whatever you want_. "I have a... A spare room or two."

Aziraphale smiles. Crowley had always loved his smile. He smiles honestly, all crinkled eyes and he _glows_. He always glows when he's happy. It reminds Crowley of that time he had to save Aziraphale from getting his head cut off- really got himself info trouble then.

"Thank you," he smiles. "I know I ask so much of you." He shakes his head.

" _No_." Crowley snaps and he instantly feels bad. He should never snap at the angel. "You don't ask too much, it's alright. I don't mind." _I'd never mind, not when it's you_.

"Oh- oh, you're so good to me, thank you." Aziraphale looks ahead, glancing over once for good measure.

Crowley groans, although it's sarcastic. It's the kind of groan one gives when receiving a compliment; as if to say, _don't go on, but really, please do_.

"Don't-"

"You are!" Aziraphale grins. He looks back to Crowley with those beautiful blue eyes. Oh, he has the most beautiful eyes Crowley has ever seen. "You're so very good to me. Please don't deny it."

So he doesn't. He doesn't now. If Aziraphale doesn't want him to deny it he won't, at least not at this moment. He begins to drive with a very happy- and full- Aziraphale in his passenger seat.

Aziraphale is hit with the cold of the demons flat when the door opens. It's uncomfortably cold but he doesn't say anything. It's rude to, and Aziraphale aims to be polite.

He sees the plants first, it's the first thing that catches his eye.

"Oh! How lovely- you never told me you liked plants!" He turns suddenly to look at Crowley, mouth open in an _O_. He then rushes over to gape at them.

"Yeah, just a... Hobby." He glared at a plant that was leaning a bit too close to the angel. "Been caring for them for a bit now. Whaddya think of 'em?"

If Aziraphale didn't like them he'd throw them out. If he thought they weren't pretty enough he'd yell at them until they were. He wanted Aziraphale to like them. He cares about what Aziraphale thought a _little_ too much. He's been suspecting that lately.

"They're beautiful," he looks enamored by the plants. "Truly wonderful! I do hope you treat them well,"

"Good enough," He shrugs

Aziraphale turned suddenly. It looks rather as though he's just now realized something.

"Dear boy, can you take those silly glasses off? We're inside. And at yours,"

Crowley obeys. If Aziraphale _wanted_... He reaches up to remove the glasses, put them in a empty pot. It wasn't being used, completely clean. He'd grab them later.

Aziraphale reached for his face, tilted it to observe his eyes better.

Crowley suppressed the noise that threatened to sleep from his throat, pushed it back with all the other noises he wanted to make in situations like this.

"Thank you, I always did like your eyes." He beams. That stand like that for a bit before Aziraphale shifts. "Well, on with the tour." He waved his hand out in the direction of the office.

Night came. Aziraphale retired to the room he chose to spend the night in. Crowley should have spent the entire night with him, made him feel comfortable, not feel like he was being avoided. But Crowley needed a good cry.

He wanted to be close but he couldn't stand it. He couldn't stand being so close and not being able to- to touch more. He wanted to hold, to be held. He wanted more- God how he wanted more.

He lay in the bed, running fingers though his hair, pretending it was Aziraphale. He sobbed into his pillow, chest aching. Love was painful, wasn't it?

He sat up when he heard the faintest noise at the door. He wiped his face, inhaling, trying to steady his voice to speak.

"Aziraphale?" He whispers. It came out broken, there's no way Aziraphale heard him. That was good. The sound was ugly.

"Dear boy, are you alright? I heard... Noises. Reminiscent of crying," he jiggled the knob. "Can I?"

Crowley took a deep breath.

"Come in, yeah,"

The door opens slowly. The hall light is on even though it's not needed. There's a dip in the bed when Aziraphale sits.

For all of Crowley life he had never let himself imagine what being held by Aziraphale would feel like. He wanted to know, yes, but only if Aziraphale wanted him too as well.

Aziraphale's hands were soft when he sat one on Crowley's shoulder. But he expected it to burn. He thought it would burn with the power of a thousand sun's. It didn't. It felt good. It felt relaxing. The idle petting Aziraphale started up was calming.

Crowley couldn't have this. He didn't do anything to deserve it. He didn't do anything. _He didn't do anything_.

"Are you quite alright?" The angel asks. It's soft and said in a small voice. "Your voice sounds sore."

He nods. He can't talk, less Aziraphale hear the pain in his voice.

"Were you..." The blond mulls over his next words, rolling then around in his mouth, seeing which one would work. "Were you crying?"

Crowley shakes.

"No, it's alright if you were,"

No- no it's not. He's a demon he doesn't cry. But here he is, fighting back the tightness in his throat. He wants to tell Aziraphale. He wants to hold onto him and explain himself. He wants to be held.

He tries to speak, snaps his mouth shut when a chokes sob escapes.

Aziraphale looks sad.

"Oh, my _dear_."

This isn't fair.

It isn't fair that Aziraphale is here now, petting Crowley of all things while he's falling apart. He can't even- he can't even sir still with all this shaking. He's choking now; coughing and sobbing all together.

And Aziraphale is here. He's cooing and saying things. Things like ' _it's alright_ ' and ' _there we are_ '. And it's not fair. It's never fair, is it?

The what ifs though. They're what keep him from calming down. He keeps shuddering and wanting to scream because _he didn't deserve this_. He didn't deserve to be calmed. He was a _demon_ for fucks sake.

He fell asleep eventually. He was too tired from the crying.

When he awoke Aziraphale was gone. Funny of him to expect the angel would want to stay.

He forced himself to get up, to clean. And then he remembers Aziraphale possibly _didn't_ leave. Would he leave without telling Crowley- surely not. But he was allowed to. No one would tell him to stay.

He looked around the house and found Aziraphale in the room set up for him to stay in.

"Oh," Crowley sighed.

"Hello, dear boy," Aziraphale scooted over. "How are you?"

Crowley grumbled a word or two off, clearly incoherent. He crawled on the bed and curled up.

"I'm sorry if you had a bit of a... Rough night."

He nodded.

They didn't talk about it after that. Crowley liked that. They went about their day as usual. It would to fester and Aziraphale would bring it up again. Crowley knew it, it always does. He hopes it won't be soon.

He's scared of the way it'll end. He figures Aziraphale might leave it alone if he says it's fine. Maybe he can keep doing that until he stops.

They go about their days normally. Crowley wishes they could be a little closer than friends but that's... Fine. Give the angel his time, he'll get it eventually, right?

Good Lord Crowley hopes he understands how he feels


End file.
